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Monday, November 21, 2005

I suppose if I need to categorize our parenting style, I’d put us on the attachment side of the ledger. I like Dr. Sears’s ideas about a harmonious, “cue-response” relationship with your child, but it’s hard to buy into everything he says. The way he throws around terms like “magnets” and "bonding" and “addiction” (sounds healthy!), he makes us think parents should walk around 24/7 with our children strapped to us with packing tape.

As I see it, the overriding theory of attachment parenting is that if you establish a bond with your kids when they’re very young, they’ll feel more secure when it’s time to separate because they’ll do it on their own terms. Conversely, a “detached” lifestyle (like pram/crib vs. Bjorn/bed) runs counter to a child’s early impulse to bond, and he’ll have trouble separating. The only evidence I have to support this is my son’s transition into preschool, which was remarkably seamless; while a lot of his classmates wailed for mama, he sashayed over to the main play table and started wolfing down paste.

There isn't much of a science to our "attached" style. We chose it because we like it. I like taking Son2 out in the Bjorn and waking up beside him in the morning, just as I did with Son1. These boys are my two favorite people on earth, and since I only see them for a few hours a day I want to enjoy these early, uncomplicated years as much as possible.

Permalink | Attachment Parenting | Comments (3)

Comments

I sort of fell into attachment parenting; that is, we had a baby who wanted to be held, awake or asleep, and I didn't want to make her cry. I approached imy parenting style from an anthropological point of view at first. Primates and most humans in the world carry their babies with them, feed on demand and co-sleep. when I found out about attachment parenting, I glanced over the basics anddecided that the title fit with what I was already doing. We do notice that she is a very thoughtful yet confident girl, and switched to sleeping in her own room (and a move to a new house at the same time) with much less fuss than we expected. I was sad about the change but not her.

Posted by: Carabeth | Nov 21, 2005 6:13:17 PM

I don't know if I'm an attachment parent or not.

Yes, my kids slept in our bed for the first couple of weeks, but then I was more than happy when I could get them to sleep in a basinet. Yes, I breastfed, but when I weaned my daughter at six months I didn't feel guilty about it. Yes, I wore both my kids in a baby bjorn, but I also RELISHED the times when I could take that stinky puke-covered thing off of my aching body and the kid wouldn't cry when I put her on a blanket on the floor.

In other words, I was an attachment parent when I had to be, but my goal was always to help my kid grow out of his/her need to be next to my body at all times.

As a parent you have to do whatever works for you and your baby. Different temperments call for different styles and techniques. The idea that a child will grow up to become a juvenille delinquent just because you didn't wear him in a sling is ridiculous.

Um, I may be in violent agreement with you on this one. :)

Posted by: Mary | Nov 21, 2005 11:21:35 PM

LOD wrote: "As I see it, the overriding theory of attachment parenting is that if you establish a bond with your kids when they’re very young, they’ll feel more secure when it’s time to separate because they’ll do it on their own terms."

In my experience, this is a load of crap. I did the attachment thing with my son (minus the co-sleeping, we're not into that) and it took him SEVEN YEARS to be able to separate from me. He refused to do ANYTHING without me right by his side, and I gave in to that, thinking he would grow out of it and separate when he was ready. When I saw that he was missing out on experiences that I perceived he really wanted to do - but was too afraid - I finally forced the issue by dropping him at a swimming lesson and leaving him there crying. By the second lesson, he was fine and by the third, he was completely over me. All he needed was a little push to boost his confidence and learn that he would be fine without me.

Now that my second child is here, I agree with Mary: "I'm an attachment parent when I need to be, but my goal was always to help my kid grow out of his/her need to be next to my body at all times."

Posted by: PHAT Mommy | Nov 22, 2005 7:49:46 PM

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